Subjunctive Mood

I just wrote this letter to CNN. My faith in the average American grows weaker with each passing day ...

The transcript of the show can be found here.

Not only did i see them say this 2 days ago, but again this morning. Do these people go to college?

I have long been a viewer of CNN news and even sometimes a reader online, but I have to admit that I have been deeply disappointed in your network in the past 72 hours. Your coverage of Hillary Clinton's campaign speech in Kentucky included the following:

>>We heard something when she was talking about this gas tax, the break from the gas tax when she said, "If I were to be president," using a past tense as opposed to when "I become president this is what I'm going to do for you."

This is NOT past tense. Who says "I were going to the store yesterday to get some milk"? This is the subjunctive mood, something used to discuss an event that has not occurred and about which there is uncertainty.
To suggest that Mrs. Clinton's use of proper english grammar forgives doubts about her own candidacy is not only incorrect and uneducated, but highly biased.
If you need further lessons in grammar (or perhaps a better editor), please feel free to contact me.

likely simplicity?

i have to be honest with you. i don't really buy heterosexuality.
whenever i say this to people, they always sort of laugh or disregard me or think i'm trying to be inflammatory-- in fact, whenever i share my thoughts and feelings in general, people seem to react in an extreme fashion. they hoot and holler and crap.
but i mean it when i say it. i just don't buy heterosexuality. it just doesn't seem very ... probable to me. it's kind of like the pied piper: i mean, i suppose it's scientifically possible that someone could play a flute and all the rats in town could follow him out of the city. and more than that, it's a pretty idea.
but is it likely?
i think the idea of heterosexuality-- that we're all born into a set of expectations, the fulfillment of which will naturally give us pleasure-- is a pretty idea. but i've learned in life that nothing is that simple. no one steps into their role that naturally or has such an easy time mapping their desires onto societal expectations. and if they do when they're 15 or 20, then they have a midlife crisis at 35 or 40.
and perhaps the prettiness of the idea alone gives away its improbability: think of other pretty ideas: santa claus, socialism, christianity-- how do we feel about them?

the true beauty of politics

So, I suppose I hate him just as much as any other good, gay, American Jew, but there's a very important dimension of this debate that's simply being ignored.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is more attractive than President Bush.

Let's not lie to ourselves. This has enormous repurcussions. For a country that prides itself on its supreme superficiality-- home to Hollywood, Warhol, Joan Rivers, and Tyra Banks-- how can we lose the war for beauty to a country that voluntarily hides 98% of its flesh from view?
I tried to probe this issue with my grandmother this evening, to which she replied, "Are you kidding??? Those little, beady eyes, and that big, ugly nose?" but let's be serious: My grandfather's nose was not so small.
And neither was Clinton's. In fact, you might call Clinton's large proboscis the hallmark of his unique brand of animal magnetism, and we are all well acquainted with the magnitude of his sexual prowess. In fact, it almost seems that the size of his nose is a signal of his masculine assertiveness, warning females and potential comptetitors of the immensity of his virility.
I don't mean to imply that President Bush is unattractive. I don't really think he is. He's symmetrical enough, and built so as not to topple over in a strong gust of wind, but his features simply don't radiate the masculinity of his middle eastern counterpart.
The secret weapon that secures Iran's victory, however, is Ahmadinejad's eyes. Their sparkle is legendary, and distracts the viewer, allowing him to penetrate their souls with a glance. It's just impossible to hate him.
Every time i see him, i try to fight the charm. I try to shield my eyes from the glitter. But it's like a parking-lot puddle, or a train wreck, or full frontal nudity: I just can't stop looking. They're too dazzling.

shox

aren't my new running shoes sexy?

and i got them on sale! ha!

mind you, this was after an evening made miserable by my less-than-masculine inability to make decisions. all day, i deliberated about whether or not to attend a party after work. 5:30 came around, and still, it took me an additional hour to determine whether or not to attend. after asking all my friends' opinions, resolving not to go, and taking the subway line the opposite direction, i finally arrived, only to find the bar completely empty.

after waiting a half an hour, i was still the only one, so i grabbed a cab to head to the gym.

unfortunately, i didn't have enough cash. as the meter reached my limit, i spotted forbidden planet and decided to make a quick stop to brighten my mood and buy a few comics. unfortunately, there was no air conditioning, and all three of my items were out of stock. So, i decided to head to the gym on foot.

But i accidentally went the wrong direction.

Bringing me to the sports store, where i bought my new shoes, and then literally ran to the gym.

This meandering path of indecisiveness took me a total of three hours. three hours! time i could have spent working out and making myself more appealing to men with better decision-making abilities, who could make my life easier and more fulfilling by punctuating it with faster and better judgement.

will i ever grow up?

Jew Blues

Me: How do bald men wear yarmulkes? If you can't wear those clips, they just fall off your head ...
Mom: Well, you just take a little rubber cement and stick some to your head, and then it doesn't come off.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes, that's the trick!
Me: Have you ever actually seen someone do this?
Mom: Well, I saw this man fixing this rug to the floor the other day, and it wouldn't stick, so he just used a little rubber cement ...
Me: But have you ever actually seen anyone use this with a yarmulke?
Mom: Well, in my mind, I have ...

The Heat

Last night, crazy thing happened:
After work and the gym, I went to my sister's apartment for dinner. Her and her girlfriend are lighting candles around the apartment, and I take my shirt off and put it on her desk, but it's so dark that I don't really notice that there's a candle there ...
5 minutes later, I come back and there's this brilliant light.
The first thought in my mind is not:

"Fire!"
or
"Run!"
or
"Stop, Drop & Roll!"

But rather,
"What a beautiful light fixture! I wonder where my sister got that ..."

Perhaps this is the over-aestheticization of experience that visual culture theorists have been talking about for so long, and I just never really understood until my survival reflexes were inhibited by calm, aesthetic contemplation.
Have I taken the notion of academic disinterest too far? Am i disinterested in experience? What happened to the zen of living?

Or maybe i'm just thinking too much. Most likely ...