Monday, September 24, 2007

the true beauty of politics

So, I suppose I hate him just as much as any other good, gay, American Jew, but there's a very important dimension of this debate that's simply being ignored.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is more attractive than President Bush.


Let's not lie to ourselves. This has enormous repurcussions. For a country that prides itself on its supreme superficiality-- home to Hollywood, Warhol, Joan Rivers, and Tyra Banks-- how can we lose the war for beauty to a country that voluntarily hides 98% of its flesh from view?
I tried to probe this issue with my grandmother this evening, to which she replied, "Are you kidding??? Those little, beady eyes, and that big, ugly nose?" but let's be serious: My grandfather's nose was not so small.
And neither was Clinton's. In fact, you might call Clinton's large proboscis the hallmark of his unique brand of animal magnetism, and we are all well acquainted with the magnitude of his sexual prowess. In fact, it almost seems that the size of his nose is a signal of his masculine assertiveness, warning females and potential comptetitors of the immensity of his virility.
I don't mean to imply that President Bush is unattractive. I don't really think he is. He's symmetrical enough, and built so as not to topple over in a strong gust of wind, but his features simply don't radiate the masculinity of his middle eastern counterpart.
The secret weapon that secures Iran's victory, however, is Ahmadinejad's eyes. Their sparkle is legendary, and distracts the viewer, allowing him to penetrate their souls with a glance. It's just impossible to hate him.
Every time i see him, i try to fight the charm. I try to shield my eyes from the glitter. But it's like a parking-lot puddle, or a train wreck, or full frontal nudity: I just can't stop looking. They're too dazzling.

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