Tuesday, May 10, 2005

pot

you know, i should never smoke pot. i think pot's for white suburbanite men who don't have enough problems so they have to make life more interesting for themselves by adding challenge to everyday life.
i, on the other hand, would like my everyday life to be as simple as it possibly can be.

i forgot what else i was going to say ...

Friday, May 06, 2005

race to the middle

increasingly, i find heterosexuality distateful.

i have spent the last few days reading about sexuality in a global perspective, and it seems undeniable at this point that western heterosexuality is an unfortunate construction at best, and doomed to eventual collapse. more and more, as the forced nature of sexual conformity is called into question by queer movements, it seems likely that a future pansexuality will come into existence.
my only fear is that the institution will respond to this threat with a plethora of well-defined categories, as bi-sexual, homosexual, transsexual, etc become ever-more acceptable modes of being.
this, to me, would be tragic. ideally, the near future would see a generally "queer" mode of being come into existence where insecure and purposefully undefined sexual identity was the norm. this would eventually emerge as a preeminent, defying heterosexual hegemony to create an institution which constantly questioned itself to produce ever-more perfect forms.
for the time being, though, heterosexuality continues to put an end to constructive insecurities; its default status provides the ultimate justification.

on a more personal level, however, i find heterosexuals distasteful. those individuals who want nothing more than typicality, for whom mediocrity is the ultimate goal, and who find comfort in their utter unremarkableness find themselves at home in a stagnant and plebeian way of life.
and i am not merely jealous. i, too, want some of this stability, but it must be wrestled with and arrived at by choice. when this doesn't happen, the tensions created by eternally postponing questioning create an unnecessarily harsh environment for those of us on the margins of this unfortunately turbulent institution.

Monday, May 02, 2005

de-institutionalization

so a couple of weeks ago, nickie broadcast my dirty laundry all over the newspaper along with all the worst of what i said to her ...
that's what i get for telling my secrets to the enemy!
the article

i freaked out at first, but actually, i think i don't mind so much ...
i mean, remember. there's no such thing as bad publicity.
and i'm leaving soon, may as well go out with a bang, right?

i worry sometimes what kind of lasting impact i'll have at penn. in my fifth year, i've seen little freshman versions of people i knew who graduated rush in to fill their places, and it's made me hope i'm not one of those once-every-four-year people. i hope i'm at least once-in-every-ten.
i like to think of myself as an institution here at penn. i've been trying to ease through my de-institutionalization so as not to cause too much of a disturbance when i disappear, but i can only do so much.
one way or the other, i hope the campus misses me ...



Like Rosencrance, glenn has no desire to join DLP. He says, "I think fraternities are desperate enough, and when you add the desperation of the homosexual identity problems, it makes for a really pathetic organization. I could never join it because it would make me feel so bad about myself."

He pauses a moment, then continues. "Never. I mean never, ever. I think it's tacky. Gay people are so smarmy. A gay frat is probably a filthy place."

queer fears

i realized today that i really don't like being big gay eliot.

i went to the "equality forum" downtown, and it all made me feel so ... gay.
i just don't like it. sometimes we have to admit things to ourselves, you know? and it simply makes me uncomfortable.
i've always felt like i really didn't fit in with the gay community. there's just something about me. maybe it's because i'm overweight. but i don't think so, because there are SO many fat gay people. they just love to feed their orifices.

i think i must give off a bad vibe or something. that's what the shrinks have always told me. that i send gay folx bad vibes so they get turned off.

but i dunno. i can't help it ... they make me so uncomfortable ...
i think maybe it's one of those things where you can't stand to look at someone because you know you're looking at the parts of yourself that you hate ...

Sunday, May 01, 2005

eliot

my name's eliot.
it's a hebrew name, and i thought for the longest time it meant "son of god" (as my mother told me) but apparently it doesn't ... so i started asking around ...

people said "el" meant "of god" in hebrew, so Joel, Michael, etc.
then they told me iot or something meant "light" so i was like "light of god"

that's cool. i felt good about that. the truth of the matter is, though, that i've always sort of felt special, messianic. i was slightly disappointed to realize that my name might not support that, but "light of god" didn't seem too far away ...
but once again, i was disappointed.

i found somewhere on the internet that it meant "the lord is god."
god that sucks.

but thank god it's not true. i definitely could not be contented with that, so i looked on. and apparently, the truth of the matter is that eliot means "hight."
what the fuck does "hight" mean?

A command, order.
A promise; a vow.
Height
Exertion, impetuosity, haste.
Hope, glad expectation; gladness, joy.
To beautify, adorn, embellish, set off.
To call, to name.

So apparently, i'm associated with discipline, expectation, beauty, effort, height, and ... naming ...
ok, well ... beauty ...

hi there

welcome to my new blog. :)